I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
