just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
We're too hungover to prance.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
