Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
