what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
