Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
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