I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
