I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
