Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
