you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
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