My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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