Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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