hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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