he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
