Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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