My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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