i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
