Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
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This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
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Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
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