She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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