Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Less talking, more tequila
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
