It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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