the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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