I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
