i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
