I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
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Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
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I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets