the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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