I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
