I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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