i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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