Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
