This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
