all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
i believe in u and ur pee
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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