can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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