Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
