I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
