if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
