Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
