respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
