How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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