The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
