Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
