Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
