i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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