life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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