dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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