i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
