He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
