well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
