The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I think i got beer on your cat.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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