hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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