The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
she smelled like a LAN party
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
