Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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