she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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