You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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