Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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