yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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