The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
