So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
