so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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