We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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