I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
