There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
