we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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