i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Randomize
